Thinking a little about gaslighting this week and how it has affected my ability to communicate with others, as well as my self image and my beliefs about what I am capable of. 

For eight and half years I was in an abusive relationship. This person was not my significant other but my employer. As much as I tried to convince myself that they really cared about me, the constant manipulation and control, gaslighting, and emotional abuse began to take its toll. 

I began to second guess every decision I made. I became afraid of people’s reactions to my decisions, and began experiencing severe anxiety and stomach problems.

The last year I worked there was near constant verbal and emotional abuse. I was told I was ungrateful, that I had betrayed this person simply by not living up to their expectations. If I had any expectations I was made to feel demanding and heartless. If I questioned anything I was humiliated, often in front of my coworkers. I was also shamed and insulted in front of my clients frequently.

There were no boundaries. I was kept well after hours most days just having to listen to them talk. There were texts and phone calls most nights about personal matters. I was expected to answer immediately or I was subjected to interrogations about why I didn’t. I now realize that this was an attempt to keep me from spending time with my boyfriend. This person attempted to destroy all my other relationships and insert themselves as the only one who really cared about me.

The worst part was that I knew what was happening and I still couldn’t get out. I knew that this was abuse and I still put up with it. Why? I’m still figuring that out.

Which brings me to “The Favourite”. There are some interesting parallels between my situation and the one Olivia Coleman’s Queen Anne finds herself in in this fantastic period piece. I was never in a position of power of course, but the dynamic between myself and my employer was similar. Rachel Weisz’s Sarah regularly insults the Queen in the guise of “honesty” and “love” when it’s really just a means of control. Meanwhile, Emma Stone’s Abigail flatters Anne and tells her of the horrors of indentured servitude to gain her sympathy and climb the social ladder.

They are both taking advantage of her declining health and fractured mental state. Anne just wants to be loved. She allows herself to be manipulated if it will gain her approval. When she does try to assert herself, it comes as a shock to those around her and they fall over themselves to gain control over her again.

I loved this movie. It was a beautiful production, sharply written, and expertly acted. It is an excellent exploration of the ways in which we can inflict pain on each other in pursuit of things we think we want.